Maybe this is why… Maybe this is why we aren’t raising the funds we need? Because every time I come to the orphanage to try to get some work done, send emails, make phone calls, there is need all around. We are out of milk, the TV isn’t working, we can’t find the key to the store closet, roti’s are burning on the stove, there’s a package that needs to be signed for, and kids…Cute little kids… EVERYWHERE.
Some need to be brought to the bathroom, some want a drink of water, some are fighting over a toy, some need their hair combed, some need their clothes changed, some are about to miss their school bus. And then some just want to be held, like this, in my lap. To have me wrap my arms around them. To be tickled under their chin, to be told they are loved. To be held, hugged, and smiled at and told how special they are. Some…no not some…ALL.. of these children just want to feel the love of a mother, a sister, a brother, a father.
How could I say no? How could I shut the office door on the face of a child in need of love? I can’t. Instead I let him climb onto my lap at my desk and wonder at my computer screen. So maybe that is why I am falling behind on emails, unable to raise the funds needed for the year ahead, reaching the ends of my rope.
I don’t write this to try and gain sympathy or make people feel like we are starving here, because we are not. In fact, One Life to Love is impacting more lives than ever through our education program, orphanage and relief services.
The truth is, I write this to share my inner struggle. I see myself almost as the sole provider for 500+ children. My job? To tell their stories in hopes of rallying people who will provide moral and financial support so these children can live the healthy, happy and successful lives that every child deserves.
I know that this pressure at times weighs heavy on me, often setting in feelings of failure, especially in regards to my responsibilities as a mother to a sweet 1 ½ year old and wife to the most supportive and loving husband. Of course my husband refutes these feelings. But still. The guilt is there. Am I failing? Am I letting the responsibilities God has given me, whether of the 500+ children we support, or my own family, slip through my fingers, by trying to do so much? Lord, help me not.
I’ve always had a strong conviction to reach out to those that cross my path; to meet a need impressed on my heart. But I remember once becoming so focused on results that I lost sight of what really mattered. At that time, we had two children in our orphanage and 17 girls in our education program. I had just given birth to our son, and was still adjusting to being a new wife and mom.
There were people who made me feel like I wasn’t doing enough. Actually, they told me I wasn’t doing enough. They told me I should be ashamed for asking for funding for “only” two orphans and 17 girls, regardless if we needed the money or not. And I let their words fall deep into my heart and resonate as truth. I became so obsessed with “reaching more children” and my efforts were useless. I was running around in circles. One day I realized, all the time I spent running in circles, I was missing out on moments with the ones God placed before me- our two boys in the orphanage, the 17 girls in the school, my husband, my son. I was so sorry, and knew that I robbed myself of those moments.
I kind of took an oath that day, to never make the same mistake. That is why I started writing this here. Because I guess I started feeling the pressure again, to run in circles, to raise the funds we need. But the reality is, God provides. He has in the past. He is now. And He will in the future. So I refuse to miss out on the moments.
I believe, as God sees each ONE of us as precious and invaluable, He also sees the MOMENTS as precious and invaluable. He can do marvelous works through one person, and He can do marvelous works through one moment.
So, Shivam is now sitting on my lap again as I write these last sentences, probably wondering what in the world I am doing, probably keeping me from some “important” work I could be doing. But he is smiling…not smiling. He is beaming and glowing. He feels loved. He feels important. And he is. Way more important than any email or phone call or crowdfunder. Way more important than my “To Do” list.
And, the best part is, he knows it.
Love & prayers,
P.S. If you’d like to contribute to One Life to Love, to help us meet our financial goal so we can continue our work in India, please donate here: https://www.mogiv.com/onelifetolove/general/